What Do You Meme? Podcast Series, Episode 2 of 4

Hello again! Time for the second episode of our current series “what do you meme?”.

This time I’m going to share more about what I meme—or mean—by shaping a strong sense of self.

There is a lot that comes to mind when somebody says the word self.  I have no intention of getting into that deep well. I do not have a PhD in psychology, psychiatry, or even sociology.

I don’t have a PhD in anything.

I never worked in an HR department and certainly don’t have a degree and anything very people oriented, unless you count talking with them to understand a business process or application design requirement—which is much more effective with a little people first communication…there I go off topic…I studied management information systems. I was a computer programmer in my first job.

I’m definitely a systems thinker. I’m also a future oriented. Idealistic. Potential see-er.

I see potential in people I see potential in ideas I see potential in things.

The first house, my husband and I bought he was ready to walk out the door as soon as we stepped into it with our realtor. Let’s just say it was a sensory experience and not in the best of ways.

The visuals were bad. The smell was worse. The size was also not ideal.

Think layers of gunk on the floor, especially in the kitchen. Think pet odor.  Think small.

While, my husband was turning to head back out the door, I fell in love.

It’s not that I have no sense of smell or sight.  It’s just that I have vision.

And you should’ve seen that fireplace.

Fix the floors get a little paint on the walls along with some creative placement of furniture and we have a cozy house unique to us. Perfect for starting a family. And for sharing with friends.

I didn’t mention the yard.

That’s the one thing my husband saw that allowed him to even listen to me spin a passionate yarn about how beautiful this house is going to become and trust me to disrupt his gut feeling about it all and buy a house he would never have purchased on his own.

Yes, so I am what I call and aware idealistic disruptor.

I haven’t always been so aware. And I haven’t always embraced what it means to be a disruptor and I’m still learning to become more aware and more productively disruptive with each day.

And this is a little bit of what I mean by having a strong sense of self.

Focus for a moment and sit with your thoughts. What is this stirring up inside you?   

I mean knowing the natural ways that you think feel and behave. Now, that would be a sense of self.

What I mean by a strong sense of self is not only knowing those natural ways of thinking feeling and behaving but owning them without demanding that others think feel and be behave the same way. Sharing them with others who do not share them with you. But who show up different from you.

Whether I like it or not, I think feeling behave the ways that I’m naturally wired. The same is true for you. I’m not gonna get into nature or nurture here. That’s another deep subject that I’m not gonna solve in 15 minutes.

I’m just gonna make a blanket overarching statement that there are just some ways that we naturally think feel and behave that stick with us for a lifetime. They’re in us when we’re born, at some point they may become things we try to hide, hopefully they become the things that we develop, but they’re the things that are always there, in one way or another, from one degree of intensity to another.

And it’s just true that when we allow ourselves to focus on getting things done that are most successfully accomplished by these ways that we most naturally think feel and behave, we get things done with the most ease, enjoyment, and excellence.

Sometimes we find ourselves on a path that truly fits. Other times we don’t. And when we don’t we humans tend to try to fit in.

Like those times that for some reason, I think I should be thinking feeling or behaving more like someone else. I’ve done this.

One time I was leading a committee of women and the woman who had previously held. This post was very emotional. In a good way.

I’m not very outwardly emotional. I feel very deeply, and I can’t hide what I’m feeling by the expression on my face, but I’m not a crier. This lady was a crier.

For some reason, I felt like to lead a woman’s conference. I need to behave a little bit more like a stereotypical woman so when I was sharing upfront, I allowed myself to get emotional and it was really weird. Not only for me.

To have a strong sense of self means having a levelheaded understanding and a wholehearted embrace of the natural ways that you think feel and behave.

Imagine introducing yourself by sharing with confidence and without insecurity, because your confidence is based on truth, not on a mirage, not on an image that you’re trying to portray, not on a performance. But you’re showing up with what you have to give, here’s what I can contribute, here’s what I’m gonna need help with, this is the value I bring to a team.

That’s layer number one of what I meme when I say shape your own strong sense of self.

Layer number two is a deeper layer.

It’s the layer that allows you to do what again I’ve mentioned before, to individuate and relate.

There is a reason why so many of us do not have a strong sense of self.

It’s because we’ve been shaped by so many other things.

Sometimes our natural ways of thinking feeling and behaving are applauded. Sometimes they are not. But yet it’s still true that these are the ways and which we were each wired.

Partiality or impartially aside.

People are finicky.  People have preferences. People have limitations.

And people are the ones who so often end up assigning value to our natural ways of thinking feeling and behaving. Though they are not the givers of our unique contribution stamp, they are often the shapers of it.

And if we are so obliged, which we often are, to give them the permission to shape our belief about the value of our uniqueness, the value of the things we do best, our natural ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, our sense of self will depend on their preference. Their finickiness. Their limitations.

And then again, it might also depend on our own.

Maybe people have been telling you all along the things that they see in you that you don’t want to see in yourself. For whatever reason, you hold a bias against it. So, you work tirelessly through tasks that feel difficult, fatiguing, to get results that may or may not be effective.

Is it worth it?

Fuel: Are on a one of those paths right now that just fits? What biases do you think people hold against you? What biases do you hold against yourself?

 

We would have found another house, my husband and I.

If I had not shared my vision, and if he had not been willing to receive it when he couldn’t see it himself.

We would have found a house.

But.

We would have missed out on the joy of making that small smelly and sticky floored wreck they place where our first two children called home for the early years of their life, where our first family dinners found us together around the table, where we continued the work of getting to know one another and ourselves in a way that makes us each better, and in a way that worked to draw out the unique ways of thinking feeling and behaving rooted in each of our children.

To shape a strong sense of self within a supportive community is hard.  

Often, we’re trying to do so in a less than supportive environment. In a so-so supportive environment.

That’s because of another wrinkle in the process of shaping a strong sense of self.

What I’m getting at here is that shaping a strong sense of self means taking the time to understand, to accept, to even embrace the less than perfect nature of all of the people in the world with whom you might relate, including yourself.

That’s pretty deep.

And personal. It’s part of the “meaning of self” well that I don’t want to take a deep dive in today. 

But you should. It is a well worth diving into.

Thinking about the ways in which what you believe about the nature of humans, including yourself, the design of it, the beliefs you hold are a foundational element to your personal process of shaping your own strong sense of self.

I encourage you soak in it for a while.

When I talk about shaping a strong sense of self, I’m mostly talking about growing a knowledge, understanding and ownership of your natural ways of thinking feeling, and behaving so that you are compelled—despite how people around you behave— to share your uniqueness with joy, confident that you are doing what you can—in fact what you do best—in a way that will be most enjoyable and effective for everyone, but without demand that everyone receive what you have to share with the same joy with which you share it.

People are finicky. They have preferences. Often because of the way they think, feel, and behave.

If it weren’t for the big backyard, it’s quite likely that our first family dinners would’ve been enjoyed in a different home.

How will you fight to shape your strong sense of self in light of what you think about this?

What’s that thing popping into your mind and within your power that you can do?

When will you do it?

What difference will it make for you and for others when you do?

Who will you tell?

 

This has been the second episode in this 4-part What Do You Meme series. A series on what I mean when I say shape your strong sense of self, belonging, and purpose.

This has been episode two: Shape a strong sense of self. Next week, I’ll talk on belonging 

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I hope you enjoyed this episode and that it gave you some good food for thought. Catch you next week where we’ll dive into what it memes, I mean means, to shape a strong sense of self.

I pray this podcast has been and continues to be a blessing.